Pants 0. Shit 1.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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