My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Two words: blizzard sex
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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