Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
