I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
