I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
