Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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