I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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