ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize