At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
