How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
