soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
