fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
