Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
