I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
