just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
