bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
two words...techno handjob
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize