What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
