Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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