I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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