you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Randomize
