the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
