I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
