You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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