My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
