I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
