: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
