Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I will be naked everywhere
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
