I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize