Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
