What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
