The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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