I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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