goodnight i made you a song goodbye
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
