Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
