I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
