So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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