so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
