Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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