Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
