Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
