I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
