i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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