My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
