Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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