What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
