I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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