I want to stick my p in your. b.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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