I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
