Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
