I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We need to get me chipped asap
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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