Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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