I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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