just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
