Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize