I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
