I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
