i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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