oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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